Transcription by Uncle Andy
Barry. Barry. Barry. Wake up, buddy.
Fuches? Hey!
How long were you watching me sleep?
The money from the Rochester job just cleared.
One less bad guy in the world. Nice work.
As usual, Barry.
Oh, ahh, he was in bed so it wasn't work, exactly.
Why'd it take two days?
I was doing recon. Oh.
To make it clean
Or
were you layin' around the hotel room like in Sioux Falls last month
or St. Paul before that?
Look, these extra expenses, they add up, Barry.
Ok. Alright!
Ah, God. I worry about you, buddy. This...
shit heap looks like the old Barry
before he had a purpose.
No, no, I just think I'm burning out.
You know, maybe I need a break.
Hey, you know what I think? What?
I think what we should do is shake things up a little bit.
You know, so instead of burnin' another
small town hood in some snowed-in Rust Belt shithole,
what do you say to a little trip out to sunny Los Angeles?
You came here to give me an assignment? Chechen mob. Come here.
A guy by the name of Goran Pazer
needs an outsider to handle something embarrassing.
It's great money!
Get us a lot closer to where we need to be to hang it all up someday.
What, when you think that'll be?
Plane for LA leaves in 4 hours. I will have a car waiting for
for you at the Ontario airport. But Ontario,
Wait. Isn't that like a 2 hour drive? You can't just, you know
fly into LAX. We gotta cover our tracks, right?
Why, because it's cheaper or... Because it is smarter, Barry!
How much cheaper was it?
Hey, Barry Fuches, probably still on the plane
but welcome to California, buddy.
Hey, my guy said he left
the car in Space 408.
I told him you were my best guy so he should hook you up.
He said the car is dope, so, enjoy that, buddy.
When you meet Goran, don't be afraid to sell yourself.
Remember that liquor distributor in Kent you stabbed in the nut?
I think Goran's the kind of man that would find something like that intriguing,
so work it into the conversation and make him aware that, you know,
you'll go there... Fuckin' dick...fuckin' dick!
Hey, man, you must be Barry! I'm NoHo Hank.
The flight was good, no?
Are you hungry? I mean, you want a submarine sandwich?
If you're thirsty, we've got juice boxes, Hawaiian Punch or maybe beer or something.
So, we're gonna do this outside, if that's ok.
His daughter has some friends over. Huh?
They're watching their Jessie.
Did the bowling alley run
out of shoe freshener?
We haven't been in LA long
but we've made a lot of progress...
harbors, identity theft, meth, 99 Cent stores.
Business has been going great.
Recently,
personal matters cropped up,
which needs to be kept separate from the business,
so we called you.
This is Ryan Madison.
He's a physical trainer in Silver Lake.
He works with Goran's wife Oksana.
They been training together for
What you think? 1, 2, 3, 2? 2, 3 months, yeah? Yeah?
Over the past few weeks, these sessions became more frequent.
Goran asked me to follow her
and I became aware that
they were taking up at a Holiday Inn in Studio City.
I snuck a lipstick camera,
similar to this one,
in the room
and got this.
Why would I want to see this?
Turn it off.
Turn it off!
I wanted to give him the whole... He gets it!
You already said they
are taking up in hotel.
It's important. Why show footage?
For you are just impressed with yourself for planting camera.
Trash that footage! Ok!
Do you guys want him gone? Yes!
Good, ok. We pay you...
No, you don't pay me anything. Fuches takes care of the money.
I just need his name and address and I'll be done in a couple of days.
That sounds good. Alright, now there's a lot of ways I can
do this for you. Umm...
One of them
is I could stab him in the nut.
That's something I did once
And I am
very comfortable doing it again
What? Why not?
Why?
Who would want this?
Can't you just shoot him? Yeah.
Because being shot is very painful.
Have you ever been shot? Huh, I have.
It's like crazy painful. Anything is better than stabbing guy in nut.
I'll shoot him, I'll shoot him, I'll shoot him.
Ok.
Goran...
I think he's going to shoot him.
No silencer. Thanks, dudes!
Fuck you two. Don't you fucking call me lady.
Don't you fucking call me lady, you fucking asshole!
You motherfucker! Fuck you too!
Don't you fucking call me lady! Fuck you too!
Who are you? What are you doing out here?
Shit, I lost my place. Dammit! Sally, he's ready for you!
Shit!
Thanks a lot!
Strong.
Strong stuff you got here. Boy,
What you got wrong with you that you need all this stuff?
You motherfucker. What?
You fucking asshole.
Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck do you think you are?
Please lady, why don't you just
try to calm down. Bullshit!
It's false, Sally.
I know, I got thrown off right before I was about to go on.
I was outside going... Excuse me! I don't give a shit.
Even your excuses are false.
You're up there, you're stinkin' up my stage, babe
What the fuck do you want?
The prescription. Not Linda! You.
Little Sally Reed from Joplin, Missouri...
What do you want?
To be an actress. Again!
I don't believe you
It's all I ever wanted in the whole world.
Oh, really?
Except you don't think you're going to make it, do you?
I mean, that's what you told me.
Oh, yeah.
Last week
She takes me out for a
cup of coffee after class,
starts to cry, snot running down her nose
All of a sudden she said: "I'm not gonna make it."
I'm telling you I was embarrassed. It was pathetic.
Here is a person who's spending her money. She doesn't have any talent whatsoever.
This chick shouldn't even be in this class.
I cannot believe... That is not fair, Gene!
Don't think, just finish the scene.
Don't you call me lady.
I come in here. I give these things to you you. You check...
I'm sick!
I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me my life?
Have you seen death in your bed? In your house?
And then I'm asked fucking questions?
What's wrong? Suck my dick!
that's what's wrong!
Shame on you.
Suck my dick.
End scene.
You know that I had to do that, right? You know I love you.
Alright.That was something.
Now, as beautiful Sally just demonstrated
that's what this class is about.
Life! I want you to create a life right here on this stage.
I mean, we're not here studying some fucking TV commercial acting.
That's not why you came to LA, is it?
You didn't move all the way across the country for that.
This is the theater.
Now,
Let's give her another round. She deserves the praise.
Hey, man! Are you new to this class?
Haven't seen you before I'm Ryan.
Ryan Madison. Listen I was supposed to put up
a scene with Matt Kennedy but he got a catering gig.
Help me out? Ryan, you're up>
Where's Kennedy? He's not here.
But I'm going to do the scene with him.
Grab a seat there, boy. Grab some egg roll.
We got everything here from a Diddle-eye Joe to a Vin D'Vando.
Mean you ate before you came on down here? All full, is that it?
Naw, I don't think so.
I think you too scared to be eatin'.
See, you ain't even sat down yet.
On that TV over there, since you been in the room,
is a woman with her titties hanging out.
Now. I know I'm pretty
but I ain't as pretty
as a couple of titties.
What's in that envelope is for my peace of mind.
My peace of mind is worth that much. Not 1 penny more, not 1 penny more.
It's empty.
End scene.
Who are you?
Barry.
Barry what?
Burkman. Well, Barry Burkman,
you just used up your one free audit class.
You want to be here on Thursday, you better prepare a monologue.
You understand?
Wow!
Ok, who's next?
Hey! Hey, Barry.
Hey I just wanted to say sorry for snapping at you back there.
I didn't realize you were an actor.
Ah, I'm not an actor. What are you gonna do for your monologue?
I did the scene from The Blind Side.
You know, the one where Sandy Bullock interrupts football practice?
Do you remember that? It won her an Oscar.
I'm not doing a monologue. What would be a good mono for you?
Let's go brainstorm. A bunch of us are going to Residuals.
What's Residuals?
What if you did Robert Duvall from Tender Mercies.
Oh, yes, yes, the one where he's working with his daughter.
Or Brad Pitt from Fight Club. Oh, I love... yes.
To me, the most important thing is honesty. Like whatever you can bring your truth to.
Wait, what is that Kevin Spacey movie?
You know, the one where he's the bad guy. He's got the limb...
Oh, Indian guy... India.
K-Pax. Did you just move here, Barry?
Yeah, from Cleveland. Huh, cool!
Welcome to Los Angeles. Oh, are you from LA?
Nobody's actually from LA. Oh, Barry, I am, though.
The Snake is from Florida, Germaine's from Denver
and Antonio here, he's from... Puerto Rico
Yeah, he just booked CSI. It's true.
I'm playing a dead body on that show.
Next time, I'm going to play somebody who's alive.
It's about talent, for sure.
But mostly, it's about passion.
I mean, do you think Meryl Streep and Kaley Cuoco
became stars just because they're the best?
No, it's because they wanted it the most.
Look, there's always a million reasons not to do something, Barry.
But if you want it,
go for it.
My girlfriend dates a manager at the Standard,
so, if you have bartending experience or lie and say you do,
I can get you a job there.
Oh, I have a job.
Sales.
Auto parts. Huh!
Ah, that's cool. Different!
I don't have a job. Oh, my God!
Look at Lydia. She's out there all by herself.
C'mon, let's go dance. Ok.
Oh, I don't dance. Bullshit! Yeah, you do.
I can tell you want to dance.
Ok, no pressure. You'll know where to find me.
Barry Burkman.
You gotta change that name.
I changed my name.
My real name"s Richard Crimph.
Ryan Madison sounds way cooler. Barry Burkman, it's too plain.
You sound like an accountant or something.
You want something people can remember.
I got the perfect stage name for you. What?
Barry Block.
Barry Block?
I don't get it.
Yeah, causes when I look at you, I think of a block.
Hey, Barry hey, hey... Yeah?
Can you drive him home? He has like 7 DUI's.
Sure. Goodnight.
Looking forward to your monologue.
What? C'mon, you gotta take this class, bro!
I don't think I can. It's not that hard. Here...
Look, it's all in the book. This is your new bible.
Gene's teachings changed my life. So, you go home,
You Google great monologues, you choose one,
and I'll help you prepare before tomorrow.
You're gonna help me with my audition?
Why? Ah, you're my scene partner, bro.
We've rocked it out today.
You were so chill, you just...
let me do my thing. You're a very generous performer.
I am?
Totally!
So, I will see you tomorrow, scene partner.
What the fuck?
Barry Madison, third watch.
What the fuck?
They were hugging.
Hey, Fuches. Hey, buddy. I'm outside, open up.
You're here?
So, this NoHo Hank guy wakes me up last night.
Says you and your mark were hugging.
They saw that? Oh, yeah.
Look, look, look. Something really, really cool happened, ok?
Ok. I followed Ryan yesterday
and he went to this theater to take an acting class.
and I ended doin' a scene with him from True Romance.
True Romance is a movie.
Yeah, it's LA theater, so I guess all the scenes they do are from movies.
The point is, I was really good.
And afterwards, I hung out with all of them. Then?
The acting class. And they're super nice, The whole class?
Including the guy you were supposed to burn? Ryan Madison, yeah.
No, he's a great dude and I don't know, they just made me feel
really good about myself, you know, and...
You know how you and I talk all the time about my purpose?
You think acting could be your purpose?
I don't know.
I just feel really motivated right now or something.
It made me feel really good. Ok, but what about
what we do together, Barry?
Well, you know, they told me a very small percentage of actors
actually make a living acting, you know, so most have a day job.
So, I just figured, you know, I'd do night hits or...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Sit. Oh.
Ok? Now, Barry...
Acting is a very face forward type of job. It...
it's a direct conflict to being someone who anonymously kills people.
You want to have a hobby or something, you could take up painting. Hitler painted.
John Wayne Gay painted. It's a good solid hobby.
Never got in the way of what they were doin'.
These are professional actors and
they're the real deal and they say I got something.
No. I get it but I think you gotta think this thing through.
I mean, you want to go out there and try to burn a guy and have him say
Hey, there's the guy from the chicken commercial.
I don't know if I do commercials.
Barry, when you decided to do this for a living,
you closed the door on being able to do anything else.
You're a killer, Barry. You kill the bad guys.
Yeah, but this Ryan guy wasn't a bad guy, he lent me a book.
These Chechens are the scariest people I've ever worked with
and they're talkin' about taking you off this job.
Off the job?
I'm sorry, but I don't feel like dying over some wannabe actor.
This is what you do
This is all you do. You understand?
Yeah.
Ok, good.
Hey, Mr. Cousineau. You weren't in class today.
Yeah, I know, I know. Ryan was very upset.
Yeah. No, I gotta leave town.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Hey, Mr. Cousineau, I was wondering, um...
Do you think I was good enough to be in your class?
No, Barry, I don't.
What you did was dog shit.
I mean really, really awful.
Dumb acting, I call it. Do you know why?
Because acting is truth
and I saw no truth.
So here's my advice to you.
You go back to whatever nook of the world
you call home and you do whatever it is you're good.
Because this is not it.
You want to know what I'm good at?
I'm good at killin' people.
You know, when I got back from Afghanistan, I, ah...
I was really depressed, you know.
Like, I didn't leave my house for months and, eh...
This friend of my Dad's, he's like an uncle to me. He...
He helped me out and he gave me a purpose.
He told me that...
that what I was good at over there could be useful here.
and, uh,...
it's a job., you know...
The money's good and these people I take out, like, they're...
They're bad people. You know, like, they're like pieces of shit.
Relate Leeds United
But lately, you know, I'm not sleeping and
like,
like I know there's more to me
than that.
Maybe, I don't know.
Maybe there's not.
Maybe this is all I'm good at.
Anyway, forget it.
Sorry to bother you.
Where's that from?
What?
Are you telling me that was an improvisation?
Interesting.
The story's nonsense but
there's something to work with.
My class is not cheap
That's not a problem. You pay in cash.
Yeah. You pay in advance.
Next class tomorrow. I can do that.
2 PM.
We start on time. Absolutely.
What's your last name, again?
Block.
Barry Block.
You pay in advance. Yeah. Now I know.
Gene M. Cousineau.
I look forward to this journey.
Great. Watch your toes.
What's goin' on, guys?
No, no, no, no no.
Now! Take a shot! Shoot him! Now!
Don't point a gun at me, man. Don't point the gun at me.
Take the shot!
Fuck!
God, I wonder what's going on over there?
Do you have whiskey? No.
We have herbal tea. I'll have herbal tea.
What do got there?
Oh, I've got an audition tomorrow. I'm an actor.
So am I.
Transcription by Uncle Andy